The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
