So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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