I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
