My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Randomize
