saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm passing your future prison.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
