I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
