Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
i believe in u and ur pee
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
