your room smells of hookers.
And success
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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