I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
