you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
