My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
