If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
