Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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