somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
