so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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