u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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