Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
