When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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