Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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