The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
