if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
