i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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