Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
