Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my shit smells like andre
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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