Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
