do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
