Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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