I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
