Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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