Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
