I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
