OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
