And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
