Im at strip club and am horny
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
