my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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