i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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