and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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