my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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