i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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