an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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