Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You took a bar mat shot.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
