Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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