I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
