I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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