I'd wear matching sweaters with you
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
