life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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