is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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