i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
