They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
