this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
